just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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