my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
