I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
