apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
