You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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