Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
