I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
