Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
