if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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