He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
