I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
