just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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