I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
