A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
