If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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