I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
please don't ironically join a cult
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