I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
