How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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