he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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