well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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