I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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