apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
and you fell through a lawn chair
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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