When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
