I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
