i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
