Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
