Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
last night I used snow as a chaser
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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