This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
