successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
