Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
