i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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