Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
