I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
