I could make wine with my vomit
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
