Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
