Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
