I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
