Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
