People in love make me want to vomit
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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