i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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