I looked at my own cervix.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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