who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
