I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
