No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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