Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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