Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
