swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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