I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
