Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Randomize
