but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
